Control

Looking at me, you would think I have my shit together.

I walk confidently. I dress comfortably. I have a fantastic hairstylist. I’m 5’10” with an athletic build. I have a graduate degree and am partially through my 2nd one.

I own a home. I have 3 rescue dogs and an unbelievable spouse that I know I don’t deserve.

But my shit…is not together.  It is spread all over this Lonestar state. I am continuously trying to scrape it back into a central pile that will be manageable…but the struggle is real. 

Looks are absolutely deceiving. Even though it appears that I carry myself in a way that I can not be phased…trust me, I’m 100% operating in a spiral of turmoil.

Self-discovery and self-reflection are wonderful opportunities to understand yourself and discover the reasons why you do the things you do. But man…they can be little bitches.  Because once you start this process, and really delve into them…some of the things you learn about yourself can really sucker punch you in the gut.

Fun fact: I discovered that I have an unhealthy relationship with control.  Not control over people,(thank goodness), but control over every other facet of my life.

Let's dive in.

I need to have a schedule for every part of my day.  I need routine.  I wake up at a certain time.  I do my morning routine at the same time, everyday.  I leave my house for work at the same time.  If any of the things get thrown off, for any reason, I start predicting how this is going to affect the rest of my schedule for the day. 

At work, I am the exact same way.  I have to know what I’m doing a week in advance and I plan accordingly.  When something disrupts my agenda, which it always does as a teacher, I will not function properly until I have rearranged things to adapt to my new schedule.

I don’t drink anymore or partake in other “activities” because I do not like the feeling of being out of control.  I need to know what I am saying, how I’m acting, what the hell is happening around me, etc.

So the question is…why am I in constant need of being in control?

Come to find out…it's due to my overwhelming fear of being judged. Judged by my peers.  Judged by complete strangers. And coming in hot…being judged by myself.

Being consumed by the opinions of how other people interpret you is actually very common.  Millions of people struggle with it.  We constantly worry about our reputation, our status and our opportunities in almost every thing that we do.  AND IT SUCKS.

This is where anxiety and panic sometimes makes a home.  When we don’t feel like we can control the way people feel about us…we worry.  We second guess.  We make horrible assumptions.  We self-sabotage.  We devalue our worth.  

We forget who we are.

This vicious cycle takes a terrible toll on us mentally, emotionally, and if we aren’t careful…physically.

But what can we do?  Where are the answers? How do we stop the worry?

Good news is, you can absolutely get better.  It can be a process…and for someone that needs control, things should be instantaneous, dammit.

But they are not.  And understanding and accepting that is the first step.

A vital thing to grasp is that we are NEVER going to control what everyone thinks or feels about us.  I mean, everybody can’t control how you feel about them, right?

What we can control is the way WE see ourselves.  How WE feel about ourselves.  How WE value ourselves.  And it's this internal work that we do, that loosen the control that we give to others.